Nincompoopery

You think you’ve done it all until you have to take a stool test. Actually, I don’t really want to talk about it. And I’m not one to wince. I’ve cleaned other people’s vomit and blood from my bathroom wall. It’s cool. But a stool test is different. Tape a bag to the toilet, get the gloves from a box of hair dye, you go, and then…I don’t really want to talk about it.

I don't know what you expected.

But this isn’t about my stool test. This is about stool.

And I don’t want to hear the guys saying: “I prefer not knowing that girls poop.” Yeah, well, we would love to do the same thing with you, but you don’t give us a chance, do you? Besides, now we’re all imagining guys we like having bowel movements. I bet Chris Hemsworth’s reeks of pink heaths.

And I don’t want to hear the girls saying: “Ew.” Bitch, please. Staying in a restroom stall forever in silence  won’t fool me. You're waiting for me to leave because you’re taking a shit. At school. I can see your shoes. I’ll call you out on it in the hallway.

People need to stop being so high-strung about their dung. Relax. Once I reached that age when I could talk about poop with my friends, I felt a good amount of pounds lighter. Perhaps it was our weed habit that forced us to complain about constipation the morning after pigging out on chips and cigarettes.

*Tip: If suffering from diarrhea, fill yourself up with chips.

**Rumor: My friend once said that if you smoke a lot of cigarettes, your consequent crap smells worse than it should. I think it's the opposite.

Now, there is one thing I cannot tolerate and that is when porn actors say “oh shit.” Sure, it’s an expression, and, let’s be honest, it’s anal more than half the time, but can we please not talk about feces while I’m masturbating? As soon as they start, they don’t stop, forcing me to hit the back button and find another flick to watch that lonely night. Whatever happened to “oh god,” huh? I’d much rather think about eternal punishment for my sins than about what I flush away in the toilet every day. That’s why we flush, because we want to forget.

Another interesting thing about the human body is farting. Yup, farts are funny. How many times have you chuckled when the cute, smart, little leeching girl at the front of the class accidentally let one rip? Or the snart? But if we start combining bodily actions, we’ll never end. Yarp? Crum? Or when anything happens on top of the fact that you’re menstruating. That’s the best/worst. It sucks even the word ‘menstruate’ has ‘men’ in it. Ugh.

But until we change the English language so that my mother can stop saying ‘shit’ when she means ‘sheet’—it’s fine, she once called someone ‘gay’ when trying to say ‘guy’—, let’s hope there’s nothing the matter with my matter. I know it’s just gastritis again, so then perhaps I wish it to be something more serious. I crossed a line in the relationship I had with my excrement. It better be tragic. It’s probably coprographia.

- Dragon