Nincompoopery

You think you’ve done it all until you have to take a stool test. Actually, I don’t really want to talk about it. And I’m not one to wince. I’ve cleaned other people’s vomit and blood from my bathroom wall. It’s cool. But a stool test is different. Tape a bag to the toilet, get the gloves from a box of hair dye, you go, and then…I don’t really want to talk about it.

I don't know what you expected.

But this isn’t about my stool test. This is about stool.

And I don’t want to hear the guys saying: “I prefer not knowing that girls poop.” Yeah, well, we would love to do the same thing with you, but you don’t give us a chance, do you? Besides, now we’re all imagining guys we like having bowel movements. I bet Chris Hemsworth’s reeks of pink heaths.

And I don’t want to hear the girls saying: “Ew.” Bitch, please. Staying in a restroom stall forever in silence  won’t fool me. You're waiting for me to leave because you’re taking a shit. At school. I can see your shoes. I’ll call you out on it in the hallway.

People need to stop being so high-strung about their dung. Relax. Once I reached that age when I could talk about poop with my friends, I felt a good amount of pounds lighter. Perhaps it was our weed habit that forced us to complain about constipation the morning after pigging out on chips and cigarettes.

*Tip: If suffering from diarrhea, fill yourself up with chips.

**Rumor: My friend once said that if you smoke a lot of cigarettes, your consequent crap smells worse than it should. I think it's the opposite.

Now, there is one thing I cannot tolerate and that is when porn actors say “oh shit.” Sure, it’s an expression, and, let’s be honest, it’s anal more than half the time, but can we please not talk about feces while I’m masturbating? As soon as they start, they don’t stop, forcing me to hit the back button and find another flick to watch that lonely night. Whatever happened to “oh god,” huh? I’d much rather think about eternal punishment for my sins than about what I flush away in the toilet every day. That’s why we flush, because we want to forget.

Another interesting thing about the human body is farting. Yup, farts are funny. How many times have you chuckled when the cute, smart, little leeching girl at the front of the class accidentally let one rip? Or the snart? But if we start combining bodily actions, we’ll never end. Yarp? Crum? Or when anything happens on top of the fact that you’re menstruating. That’s the best/worst. It sucks even the word ‘menstruate’ has ‘men’ in it. Ugh.

But until we change the English language so that my mother can stop saying ‘shit’ when she means ‘sheet’—it’s fine, she once called someone ‘gay’ when trying to say ‘guy’—, let’s hope there’s nothing the matter with my matter. I know it’s just gastritis again, so then perhaps I wish it to be something more serious. I crossed a line in the relationship I had with my excrement. It better be tragic. It’s probably coprographia.

- Dragon

Whatever happens, do the dance.

First of all, I don’t straighten my hair. And I find push-up bras overwhelming. And I don’t believe anyone when they say it will be fine. Life is pain, princess. That was a Princess Bride quote, and if you didn’t get it then you should go watch The Princess Bride now, because it’s a classic.

We do, however, have quite classy tastes, if I do say so meself. I did have tea parties with my grandmother and siblings as a youngster, and we did construct fantasies wherein we were British royalty preparing for a fox hunt. There were cucumber sandwiches, and if you know anything about anything you know that tiny food is pretty sophisticated.

Nah, but we’ve just gone downhill from there. Life is like waking up. And you know how waking up from your awesome dreams and being violently shoved into reality is so confusing and painful? Sunlight burns your eyes in the morning.

But I’m only being laughably dramatic. I like to do that. Romina does that, too. But truth lies in jest. o_o. That’s my favorite emoticon. But actually, it’s this one: o_O.

Unexpected Mud Cake

Today in a coffee shop I saw that pastry display and it made me laugh, and then a young lady passed behind me and though I didn't see her, the sound of her high heels demanded attention. The cadence of her voice told me that she leads an especially luxurious life, thank you very much, and as she exited the café she informed her friend that “Barcelona is one of [her] favorite cities.”

I guess what I’m trying to say is, in the words of LCD Soundsystem: just laugh it off, it’s better than it seems. Oh yeah, and we are pretty cool. Possibly too cool. But you should still totally holler, because maybe you're cool, too. We'll see. And also, the word holler. Holler.

-            Jessica Lange, Beast

A Quick Aside and Two Pictures Beside Each Other: An Introduction

We are classy women with classy tastes, and we use Comic Sans because fuck you. We’re funny, right, Jessica? Yeah, we’re hilarious. Don’t kid yourself, it’s only a defense mechanism. We suffer. We are oh so pained. We write poetry and we show it to each other for much needed validation. There are too many layers to us, and when you meet us, you know we’re just superficial. Like this introduction, but do you really think this is just an introduction? Nothing is just around here. We’re not just friends, me and her or us with anyone. We lament being born and not dying because we need to do stuff in between. Fun stuff. Do we party? What does that even mean? Do we go to clubs in a push-up bra with our hair straightened and get so shitfaced we appear in some douchebag’s apartment the next morning? Maybe Jessica does that, I don’t know. What, you think I know everything about my best friend? On the other hand, I’m open, I’m private, I’m honest. I’ll tell you the harsh truth and you’ll think I’m joking. Jessica’s done that a few times, and I bought it. I wonder if she, too, believes me when I say it’ll be fine. You know what? It won’t be. It’s just gonna be a blog about nothing, an anonymous dream after the previous forgotten one, the one where you were too high to notice you were awake. But don’t worry, we’ll keep going. You’ll see us in L.A. or New York Citay and you’ll holler, but we don’t know you. Do we want to get to know you? Uh…maybe…I don’t know, we’ll see. We might be too cool, because we actually are super cool.

-          Romina D’Alessandro, Dragon